Holy Crap

I was watching one of Ricky Gervais’ stand up bits on YouTube earlier. It’s hilarious. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

Anyway, this particular piece was based on the Bible. Rick runs through some of the creation story in his inimitable style. It got me to thinking about the creation story and some questions starting kicking around in my head. So I headed on over to check out Genesis from the King James Bible at bartleby.com.

Holy crap. What a complete and utter load of rubbish. I couldn’t even get through Genesis before my head started to hurt with the inconsistencies.

The first one concerns god lying through his teeth to Adam and Eve. I’d reckon most people would consider lying a sin. In fact, a religious friend of mine once told me that it is impossible for god to lie. My friend should, perhaps, read the bible.

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Keep this in mind; God has explicitly said to man “do not eat the fruit from the tree in the middle. If you do, you will die”.

God goes on to create Eve from Adam’s rib (unnecessarily complicated but I guess that’s his prerogative). Eve winds up bumping into a talking snake (yes, you read that right, the snake talks). The snake convinces Eve to eat from the forbidden tree. Eve does so. She also gets Adam in on the action and he eats from the tree too. Now, having foolishly trusted god, I expected Adam and Eve to begin having convulsions from the deadly poison coursing through their veins. My trust in god was apparently misplaced. Adam and Eve are fine. They don’t die. That leaves us with the inescapable fact that god lied to them. It was the snake that told them the truth. So god’s first interaction with humanity is to create them and then start lying to them. So much for god not being able to lie, eh? A little bit of sinning from the big man. Nice 🙂

Okay, so god’s a liar.

The next thing I realized was that if you’re a devout Christian, you should be naked right now. That’s right, get your gear off. God created Adam and Eve naked. They only became embarrassed about their nakedness when they ate the forbidden fruit. Let’s spend a little time considering this situation and see where it leads us, shall we?

It is either immoral to run around naked or it’s not. If it is immoral to be naked in public, then god committed an immoral act by creating naked people. It does, however, seem pretty unlikely that god is immoral. For the sake of the discussion, let’s assume that god is morally sound. This lets us conclude that there’s nothing inherently immoral about public nakedness. God wouldn’t have created naked humans if hanging around without clothes is immoral. We can further conclude that the knowledge garnered from gobbling forbidden fruit is flawed in a major way. Eating the fruit made us embarrassed by nudity. The truly devout Christian will understand that god intended for us to be naked. We insult god every day we cover the beauty of his creation. That’s right ladies, unfurl god’s creations. Guys, don’t sweat it so much. If you want to remain covered, I won’t complain.

So god’s a liar and everyone needs to get their clothes off.

Then we come to the brilliant story of Cain and Abel. I’d heard these names before. I knew the basics of the story and lacked the details. Apparently the Bible also lacks the details. The story just isn’t all that detailed. Let me summarize for you.

  • Adam and Eve have two boys Cain and Abel
  • The boys attempt to curry god’s favor with offerings; Cain brings produce, Abel brings lamb cutlets
  • God loves Abel’s lamb and doesn’t like Cain’s potatoes
  • Cain is really, really pissed off at this
  • Cain kills Abel
  • God gets pretty pissed at Cain

That’s the story in a nutshell. At this point however, something weird jumped out at me:

And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.

Okay … do you see the problem? God created Adam and Eve who, together, had two sons: Cain and Abel. So where did Cain’s wife come from? I googled this terribly confusing situation and found this crazy ass explanation. The summary of that article is that Cain’s wife must have been a daughter of Adam and Eve. Yes. That’s right. We hit the incest jackpot in the first few pages of the bible. Sweet.

So, to recap; god’s a liar, Christians need to be naked and Adam & Eve had a bunch of kids who all ran around fucking each other.

At this point I gave up. Four chapters of this rubbish is enough. I’m sitting here shaking my head, incredulous that anyone could believe this crap. How can people actually believe that this crap, this holy crap, is a good explanation for anything?

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One Response to “Holy Crap”

  1. The collapse of intelligent design « Cathartic Relief Says:

    […] of this crowd. For supposedly Christian people, they sure lie a hell of a lot. Then again, based on their holy book, maybe I shouldn’t be […]

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